It’s a harsh reality that breaking up with a loved one hurts. It’s been proven that break-ups can even have very real physical effects including stomach pain, weight loss, headaches, and fatigue. So it’s natural that a person who recently suffered a break up would want to anything they could to stop the pain–and in most cases, this means getting their ex back.

The first thing to do is not let the highly emotional nature of the situation cloud your judgment. Many people find themselves jumping to conclusions about their ex or the situation in the tumultuous wake of a shattered relationship. Although perfectly natural, this is the first obstacle you need to overcome if you truly want to be with your loved one again.

This may sound easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. It’s all a question of perspective. Instead of looking back on the relationship or the break-up from the point of view of what your ex did wrong, think also of mistakes you may have made. Nobody is perfect, and more often than not it takes two to end a relationship.

Instead of focusing on your ex, take some time to focus on yourself. No one is perfect, and chances are both parties in the relationship have made some mistakes. Take some time to think about your actions, you words, and your attitude and how they may have contributed to difficulties in the relationship. Once you have identified those, take responsibility for them.

That doesn’t mean taking the blame for everything that went wrong, however. If you do feel as though your ex could improve the relationship through their actions, tell them so, but so do diplomatically and with as little judgment as possible.

But all that is only half the battle, of course. Good communication is the key getting your ex to a place where they feel comfortable taking you back. So be sure to listen to their side, too. Although you may not like what they have to say, you’ll learn more by not interrupting and not taking everything as personally.

When you’re done talking to your ex, take some time to think about what you each have said. Give your ex, and yourself, some space to really absorb the exchange. Think about what was said that can be improved upon. Gage how far you are willing to go to make the relationship work and how much faith you have in your ex doing the same. If you are going to get back together, you will never succeed unless you both view the relationship as a new, clean slate.

The difference in the latter question is key. Be sure the differences between you and your ex can be solved and are reasonable. You should also be sure you are motivated to get your ex back not simply because you are used to them being in your life and have become co-dependent, but because you truly want to build a life with this person.

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